{"id":37291,"date":"2021-02-10T07:30:00","date_gmt":"2021-02-10T12:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.staging4.blunt-therapy.com\/?p=37291"},"modified":"2022-08-24T22:48:25","modified_gmt":"2022-08-25T02:48:25","slug":"four-horsemen-of-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"The Four Horsemen of Relationships: How To Overcome Toxic Communication Habits, According to Experts"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_65 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-custom ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title \" >Table of Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#Who_is_Dr_John_Gottman_PhD\" title=\"Who is Dr. John Gottman, PhD?\">Who is Dr. John Gottman, PhD?<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#What_Are_the_Four_Horsemen_of_Relationships\" title=\"What Are the Four Horsemen of Relationships?\">What Are the Four Horsemen of Relationships?<\/a><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-3' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#Excessive_Criticism\" title=\"Excessive Criticism\">Excessive Criticism<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#The_Antidote_For_Criticism\" title=\"The Antidote For Criticism\">The Antidote For Criticism<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#Contempt\" title=\"Contempt\">Contempt<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#The_Antidote_For_Contempt\" title=\"The Antidote For Contempt\">The Antidote For Contempt<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-7\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#Defensiveness\" title=\"Defensiveness\">Defensiveness<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-8\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#The_Antidote_for_Defensiveness\" title=\"The Antidote for Defensiveness\">The Antidote for Defensiveness<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-9\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#Stonewalling\" title=\"Stonewalling\">Stonewalling<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-10\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#The_Antidote_For_Stonewalling\" title=\"The Antidote For Stonewalling\">The Antidote For Stonewalling<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-11\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#Final_Thoughts_on_The_Four_Horsemen_of_Relationships\" title=\"Final Thoughts on The Four Horsemen of Relationships\">Final Thoughts on The Four Horsemen of Relationships<\/a><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-3' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-12\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#Expert_Contributors\" title=\"Expert Contributors\">Expert Contributors<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-13\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/four-horsemen-of-relationships\/#References\" title=\"References\">References<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n\n<p>If you have ever been divorced, or been through a painful breakup, chances are the Four Horsemen of Relationships played a considerable role. You just didn\u2019t call them by that name.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the United States, <a href=\"https:\/\/time.com\/5434949\/divorce-rate-children-marriage-benefits\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">39% of all marriages end in divorce.<\/a> The reasons vary, but certain behaviors predict divorce more than others. The Four Horsemen of Relationships is a term that describes some of the biggest offenders. We\u2019ll talk about what they are in a moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But first, consider the findings of a 2013 study published in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC4012696\/#\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Couple and Family Psychology<\/a>, which found that <strong>conflict and arguing<\/strong> was the third-most cited cause of divorce, outranking financial problems, substance abuse, and even domestic violence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Studies like this confirm what we already know to be true &#8212; our words have consequences. <em>Apocalyptic <\/em>consequences, in some cases. A relationship based on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/active-listening-skills\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\">healthy communication<\/a> will flourish. A relationship infected with toxic communication habits, however, will be destroyed by them.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>John Gottman, a psychologist who has been researching the subject for 40 years, has even given these toxic communication habits a name. He calls them \u201cThe Four Horsemen of Relationships.\u201d He claims they are an <a href=\"https:\/\/psychcentral.com\/blog\/predicting-divorce-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalpyse\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">accurate predictor of divorce<\/a> in more than 90% of cases.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In this post, we\u2019re going to talk about Gottman, The Four Horsemen of Relationships, what they look like, and how to keep them from destroying your marriage.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-Pinterest.jpg\" alt=\"The Four Horsemen How To Overcome Toxic Communication Habits According To Experts\" class=\"wp-image-37303 lazyload\" width=\"400\" height=\"600\"\/><noscript><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-Pinterest.jpg\" alt=\"The Four Horsemen How To Overcome Toxic Communication Habits According To Experts\" class=\"wp-image-37303 lazyload\" width=\"400\" height=\"600\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-Pinterest.jpg 1000w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-Pinterest-83x125.jpg 83w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-Pinterest-200x300.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-Pinterest-150x225.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-Pinterest-768x1152.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/noscript><figcaption>The Four Horsemen: How To Overcome Toxic Communication Habits, According To Experts<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Who_is_Dr_John_Gottman_PhD\"><\/span>Who is Dr. John Gottman, PhD?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Dr. John Gottman, PhD is an American researcher and psychologist who has performed research on more than 3,000 couples over the past 40 years in the fields of marital stability and divorce prediction.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>He earned a PhD in Psychology from the University of Wisconsin and is currently a Professor Emeritus at the University of Washington.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Gottman is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute, which trains therapists in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/about\/the-gottman-method\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Gottman Method<\/a> and provides treatment to couples.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>An award-winning speaker and author, Gottman has made dozens of media appearances, and in 2007 was named one of the 10 most influential psychotherapists of the past quarter century by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychotherapynetworker.org\/author\/bio\/3011\/john-gottman\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Psychotherapy Networker<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>While the goal of his research has always been to improve <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" data-wpil=\"url\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/category\/relationships\/\" title=\"relationships\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">relationships<\/a> and to teach couples how to avoid harmful behaviors, he became famous for his aforementioned ability to predict divorce in newlyweds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What_Are_the_Four_Horsemen_of_Relationships\"><\/span>What Are the Four Horsemen of Relationships?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In the Book of Revelations in the New Testament, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse signal the end of times. They are Conquest, War, Famine, and Death.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Gottman uses the Four Horsemen of Relationships as a metaphor to describe toxic communication habits that, according to his research, signal the end of a marriage. The Four Horsemen in Relationships are Excessive Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>While researching this article, I interviewed more than a dozen <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/therapists-share-their-thoughts-on-suicide\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\">mental health professionals<\/a> and relationship experts to get their thoughts about Gottman\u2019s Four Horsemen. They offered their insights on each. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Perhaps most important, they have provided helpful strategies to both identify and avoid them in your relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Our-partners-dont-always-have-to-think-like-we-think.-Thats-what-makes-life-interesting\u2014it-would-be-boring-to-be-married-to-yourself.-In-fact-thats-called-being-single..jpg\" alt=\"Our partners don\u2019t always have to think like we think. That\u2019s what makes life interesting\u2014it would be boring to be married to yourself. In fact, that\u2019s called being single.\" class=\"wp-image-37309 lazyload\" width=\"810\" height=\"608\"\/><noscript><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Our-partners-dont-always-have-to-think-like-we-think.-Thats-what-makes-life-interesting\u2014it-would-be-boring-to-be-married-to-yourself.-In-fact-thats-called-being-single..jpg\" alt=\"Our partners don\u2019t always have to think like we think. That\u2019s what makes life interesting\u2014it would be boring to be married to yourself. In fact, that\u2019s called being single.\" class=\"wp-image-37309 lazyload\" width=\"810\" height=\"608\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Our-partners-dont-always-have-to-think-like-we-think.-Thats-what-makes-life-interesting\u2014it-would-be-boring-to-be-married-to-yourself.-In-fact-thats-called-being-single..jpg 1080w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Our-partners-dont-always-have-to-think-like-we-think.-Thats-what-makes-life-interesting\u2014it-would-be-boring-to-be-married-to-yourself.-In-fact-thats-called-being-single.-167x125.jpg 167w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Our-partners-dont-always-have-to-think-like-we-think.-Thats-what-makes-life-interesting\u2014it-would-be-boring-to-be-married-to-yourself.-In-fact-thats-called-being-single.-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Our-partners-dont-always-have-to-think-like-we-think.-Thats-what-makes-life-interesting\u2014it-would-be-boring-to-be-married-to-yourself.-In-fact-thats-called-being-single.-150x113.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Our-partners-dont-always-have-to-think-like-we-think.-Thats-what-makes-life-interesting\u2014it-would-be-boring-to-be-married-to-yourself.-In-fact-thats-called-being-single.-768x576.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 810px) 100vw, 810px\" \/><\/noscript><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Excessive_Criticism\"><\/span>Excessive Criticism<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The first of the Four Horsemen of Relationships is Excessive Criticism, which Gottman defines as an attack on a person, as opposed to their behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Laura Goldstein, LCMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, the problem with Criticism is that it takes the focus from the action and extends the complaint to who your partner is. \u201cIt is an attack on a person\u2019s character,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It&#8217;s the personal nature of the attack that makes Criticism <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/toxic-relationship-traits\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\">so harmful to a relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Often, couples can avoid this Horseman by avoiding the use of certain words.&nbsp; \u201cMost of the time Criticism includes the words \u2018always\u2019 or \u2018never,\u201d says Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2018Always\u2019 and \u2018never\u2019 are examples of \u2018absolutes,\u2019 which are words that are used to exaggerate the prevalence of behaviors we dislike. Things are rarely always something or never something, and neither are people. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/distorted-thinking-and-cognitive-distortions\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\">Absolute statements<\/a> also tend to put people on the defensive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Examples:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>You never ask me about my day!<\/li><li>You always forget to balance the checkbook.&nbsp;<\/li><li>You are always late!&nbsp;<\/li><li>You never change the diapers!.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Criticism often stems from the belief that your partner knows what they should be doing and are choosing not to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It tends to occur when our expectations of our partner are unmet, when we complain about what we are not getting, and when we blame our partner for not providing it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cUnmet expectations often begin with differences in point-of-view, priorities, and values,\u201d says Angela Ann Hayes, LMFT-A. \u201cCouples often assume the other person sees the world and has the same beliefs and priorities that they do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As opposed to constructive criticism, a healthy component of conflict resolution in any relationship, this type of criticism is pernicious. As Shannon Gunnip, LMHC, BC-TMH points out, it\u2019s a \u201cglobal condemnation\u201d of the person and not the act.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cCriticism leads to defensiveness and an escalation of the argument,\u201d Hayes notes. \u201cIt <em>never <\/em>leads to a solution.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"The_Antidote_For_Criticism\"><\/span>The Antidote For Criticism<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>While couples certainly have a right to their point-of-view, they need to be mindful of how they express it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In addition to avoiding absolutes, one of the best strategies couples can use to sidestep Criticism is to avoid using \u201cyou\u201d statements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhen we use \u2018you\u2019 statements, it immediately puts your partner on the defensive,\u201d says Lauren Consul, LMFT, JD. \u201cInstead, try to use more \u2018I\u2019 statements and focus on your feelings &#8212; and why those feelings were triggered.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As an antidote to Criticism, Gottman recommends a technique called <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/softening-startup\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Softened Start Up<\/a>. He notes complaints are valid in a relationship, but that we must learn how to complain without blame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Gottman, there are 3 steps to a Softened Start:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>1. Describe how you feel. For example, I feel hurt, sad, scared, lonely, etc. Be sure that you list a feeling after \u2018I feel\u2019 not a thought (for example, I feel like you are an idiot).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>2. Describe the situation, not your partner. For example, I feel upset that dirty dishes were left in the sink.\u2019 vs. \u2018I feel upset that you are such a slob.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>3. Ask for what you need in positive terms. Tell your partner very specifically and concretely what they can do to remedy the situation. For example, I need you to please do the dishes before you go to bed.\u2019&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>He also notes it is important to make sure you are not sharing a negative need (i.e., what you don\u2019t want). For example, I need you to stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink. A negative need gets you back into criticism mode where you are less likely to get what you want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cThink about how you say things to your partner before saying them,\u201d says Panganiban. \u201cThink about how they might hear the words and the impact they will have on them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>While Criticism is not the most destructive of the Four Horsemen of Relationships, it is nonetheless a behavior that must be avoided.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cOver time, repeated criticism can lead to deep feelings of rejection and distrust,\u201d says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist. \u201cAnd it also tends to give rise to the other three horsemen.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse-predict-an-ailing-marriage-Criticism-Defensiveness-Stonewalling-and-Contempt.-The-worst-of-these-is-contempt..jpg\" alt=\"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse predict an ailing marriage Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt. The worst of these is contempt.\" class=\"wp-image-37307 lazyload\" width=\"810\" height=\"608\"\/><noscript><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse-predict-an-ailing-marriage-Criticism-Defensiveness-Stonewalling-and-Contempt.-The-worst-of-these-is-contempt..jpg\" alt=\"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse predict an ailing marriage Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt. The worst of these is contempt.\" class=\"wp-image-37307 lazyload\" width=\"810\" height=\"608\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse-predict-an-ailing-marriage-Criticism-Defensiveness-Stonewalling-and-Contempt.-The-worst-of-these-is-contempt..jpg 1080w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse-predict-an-ailing-marriage-Criticism-Defensiveness-Stonewalling-and-Contempt.-The-worst-of-these-is-contempt.-167x125.jpg 167w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse-predict-an-ailing-marriage-Criticism-Defensiveness-Stonewalling-and-Contempt.-The-worst-of-these-is-contempt.-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse-predict-an-ailing-marriage-Criticism-Defensiveness-Stonewalling-and-Contempt.-The-worst-of-these-is-contempt.-150x113.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse-predict-an-ailing-marriage-Criticism-Defensiveness-Stonewalling-and-Contempt.-The-worst-of-these-is-contempt.-768x576.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 810px) 100vw, 810px\" \/><\/noscript><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Contempt\"><\/span>Contempt<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The second Horseman is Contempt, a toxic communication style that is inherently disrespectful and mean-spirited.&nbsp; According to Gottman, it is the worst of the Four Horsemen of Relationships.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cContempt is toxic because it expresses severe disrespect and even disgust toward your partner,\u201d says Dr. Wyatt Fisher, PhD, a licensed psychologist specializing in marriage counseling in Boulder, CO. \u201c It also falls under the umbrella of passive aggressive behavior.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Austin Hunter, CMHC, a psychotherapist with Avalon <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/how-to-get-results-in-therapy\/\" title=\"Psychotherapy\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">Psychotherapy<\/a>, those who have Contempt for their partner often mock their partner\u2019s words and body language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>A woman moved to tears due to an overwhelming stressor is mocked by her spouse with a response akin to \u2018oh woe is you\u2019, complete with imitated hands wiping away fake tears.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Contempt is rooted in unresolved anger, a destructive force in any relationship.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cProperly-expressed anger is a bid for our partner to understand how we feel and resolve the situation for the better,\u201d says Jasmine Chen, founder of the science-backed app LIFE Intelligence. \u201cBut, if our anger goes ignored or unaddressed, that anger festers into Contempt.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s important to note Contempt is not always obvious. Often, how it presents depends on the personality of the offending partner. They may simply have a critical attitude, or a silent scorn for their partner that sometimes reveals itself through sarcasm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Other times, according to Rich Heller, MSW, CPC, ELI MP, it presents as angry criticism:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Examples:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>I have asked you a million times to put the cap on the toothpaste.<\/li><li>Why don&#8217;t you ever listen?<\/li><li>You are such an idiot!&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cThe good news is the ability to accurately mock and mimic implies an underlying level of attunement, meaning you&#8217;re able to understand the other&#8217;s feelings, says Hunter. \u201cThis is only a short step away from actually empathizing with those feelings, or experiencing them as your own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"The_Antidote_For_Contempt\"><\/span>The Antidote For Contempt<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Contempt often arises when one partner feels they have empathized with the other partner&#8217;s feelings, but their own feelings have been ignored. This causes both partners to lose interest in empathizing with one another.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They see their partner as unwilling to&nbsp; understand their feelings, so why should they bother to understand theirs?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cThe answer to Contempt is praise,\u201d says Heller. \u201cInstead of focusing on the other person&#8217;s shortcomings, look for the good things they do. Taking the same lens that you used for Criticism and refocusing it on successes can result in turning, reducing and even eliminating contempt.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It is also crucial to get into the habit of listening to and empathizing with your partner.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhen your partner bemoans their own issues, listen and empathize in such a way that they feel heard and understood, then ask them to do the same for you,\u201d Hunter suggests. \u201cAfter explaining your own hardships, ask your partner to repeat back to you what you have said in their own words.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Paraphrasing someone else&#8217;s statements also promotes empathy. And empathy is the key to crushing Contempt. It&#8217;s hard to feel Contempt for someone when you understand and share their feelings!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Dr. Fisher also points out it \u2019s important to be direct with your partner about how you feel and to avoid passive-aggressive behavior.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cIf you&#8217;re upset your partner doesn&#8217;t help more around the house, instead of rolling your eyes, tell them you are frustrated you don&#8217;t share household chores more evenly and ask if you can discuss it with them,\u201d says Dr. Fisher. \u201cDoing so will help you give voice to your negative feelings rather than bottling them up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/therapists-share-their-thoughts-on-suicide\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\">Negative feelings<\/a> have to go somewhere. When couples directly yet tactfully express them, the contemptuous and passive-aggressive behavior tends to decrease.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/even-in-stable-happy-relationships-When-conflict-begins-with-hostility-defensive-sequences-result.jpg\" alt=\"\u201ceven in stable, happy relationships When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result\u201d\" class=\"wp-image-37306 lazyload\" width=\"810\" height=\"608\"\/><noscript><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/even-in-stable-happy-relationships-When-conflict-begins-with-hostility-defensive-sequences-result.jpg\" alt=\"\u201ceven in stable, happy relationships When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result\u201d\" class=\"wp-image-37306 lazyload\" width=\"810\" height=\"608\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/even-in-stable-happy-relationships-When-conflict-begins-with-hostility-defensive-sequences-result.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/even-in-stable-happy-relationships-When-conflict-begins-with-hostility-defensive-sequences-result-167x125.jpg 167w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/even-in-stable-happy-relationships-When-conflict-begins-with-hostility-defensive-sequences-result-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/even-in-stable-happy-relationships-When-conflict-begins-with-hostility-defensive-sequences-result-150x113.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/even-in-stable-happy-relationships-When-conflict-begins-with-hostility-defensive-sequences-result-768x576.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 810px) 100vw, 810px\" \/><\/noscript><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Defensiveness\"><\/span>Defensiveness<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The third Horseman is Defensiveness, which is typically a response to Criticism. In a troubled relationship, defensiveness permeates the landscape. It is characterized by a refusal to accept responsibility and a tendency to play the victim. Rather than accepting a complaint, we fire back with a rebuttal or a counter-accusation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cThis horseman is always ready for a fight,\u201d says Beth Ribarsky, PhD, a Relationship Expert at The University of Illinois in Springfield. \u201cPerhaps this person has been hurt before, so they are trying to protect themselves. But, in always having their haunches up, every comment is interpreted as an attack.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>Question: Can you do the dishes tonight?&nbsp;<\/li><li>Defensiveness: Why should I? You never do the laundry!<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Statements like these tend to cause arguments and make healthy conflict-resolution impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To move past this horseman, it\u2019s important to understand the physiological mechanisms behind it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cDefensiveness is a natural reaction to feeling judged, criticized, blamed, or attacked,\u201d says Meagan Prost, LPCC-S, BC-TMH, a Gottman-Trained Couples Therapist. \u201cWhether it is real or perceived is irrelevant. The mind can&#8217;t tell the difference.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Defensiveness is also an involuntary response to fear. When humans perceive a threat, the parasympathetic nervous system automatically takes over. When this happens, we usually respond to that threat in one of three ways &#8212; fight, flight, or freeze.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>Fight:&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>If your response is to fight when your partner makes a remark, you give it right back &#8211; old hurts or stuff that has been suppressed comes out like ammunition. Instantly, you have armored up and are in a verbal battle against the person you care so deeply for.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>Flight:&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>When we feel defensive it <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/how-to-stop-a-panic-attack\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\">triggers a physiological response<\/a> &#8211; sweating, nervousness, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, tense body muscles, and a mind that goes blank. Leaving the situation may be the only way for you to cool down and feel in control of your body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>Freeze:&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Mental, emotional, and\/or physical paralysis can turn us into a human statue with no emotion or eye contact. You are completely overwhelmed. It&#8217;s hard to find examples to support your point, and it\u2019s challenging to find the right words to express how you&#8217;re feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"The_Antidote_for_Defensiveness\"><\/span>The Antidote for Defensiveness<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The antidote for defensiveness is to accept responsibility when warranted and to listen to your partner\u2019s concerns. Even if you don\u2019t like what is being said, ask yourself if there could be <em>some <\/em>truth to what you are hearing.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Examples of healthy responses:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>You&#8217;re right, I might have overreacted. I&#8217;m sorry.<\/li><li>This is difficult for me to hear, can we take a break and try talking about this again tonight after dinner?<\/li><li>I really want to understand, I just need a moment to process things.<\/li><li>I didn&#8217;t know that&#8217;s how it made you feel and I&#8217;m sorry.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>While feeling defensive is challenging, it is important that you remain calm, not make excuses, and avoid bringing up your partner\u2019s own behavior.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Instead, let your partner know that you hear their concerns. \u201cYou don&#8217;t necessarily have to agree or comply,\u201d says Gretta Duleba, LMFTA, a Relationship Therapist, \u201cbut showing that you hear and understand will help a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you want to help your partner be less defensive, you need to be gentle when you bring up the issue in the first place.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Consider the differences between the following two sentences:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>Aggressive statement: I&#8217;m so sick of your clothes being on the floor all the time!<\/li><li>Empathetic statement: Sweetie, it would mean a lot to me if you could pick up your clothes.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s also important to thank your partner when they comply with a request. This is a basic form of positive reinforcement that goes a long way towards encouraging desirable behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you and your partner are in a calmer state of mind, it is a good idea to discuss any potential words or phrases that might trigger future arguments.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Many of us struggle with past traumas, insecurities, and abandonment issues. It\u2019s always a good idea to avoid triggering language that provokes strong negative emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Prost offers the following examples of empathetic language that you and your partner can use to facilitate healthy conflict resolution:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>I hate this feeling of being on different teams when we have a disagreement.<\/li><li>Would you be able to tell me things in a gentler way?&nbsp;<\/li><li>I think I might respond better if you can share how you are feeling.<\/li><li>When I hear your voice raise, it&#8217;s like I&#8217;m back as a little kid looking for a place to hide &#8211; and I don&#8217;t want to hide from you.<\/li><li>Can I ask we try to keep our voices at our conversation level, so we can talk things through?<\/li><li>When I hear I have disappointed you, it feels like something takes over my mind and body &#8211; I just freeze up, sometimes I forget to breathe.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Would you be open to me asking for a 20-30 minute break, so I can come back and try talking again?&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>To overcome Defensiveness, Dr. Ribarsky adds, \u201cit is important to create a safe space for open and honest communication.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Successful-long-term-relationships-are-created-through-small-words-small-gestures-and-small-acts.jpg\" alt=\"\u201cSuccessful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.\u201d\" class=\"wp-image-37308 lazyload\" width=\"810\" height=\"608\"\/><noscript><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Successful-long-term-relationships-are-created-through-small-words-small-gestures-and-small-acts.jpg\" alt=\"\u201cSuccessful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.\u201d\" class=\"wp-image-37308 lazyload\" width=\"810\" height=\"608\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Successful-long-term-relationships-are-created-through-small-words-small-gestures-and-small-acts.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Successful-long-term-relationships-are-created-through-small-words-small-gestures-and-small-acts-167x125.jpg 167w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Successful-long-term-relationships-are-created-through-small-words-small-gestures-and-small-acts-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Successful-long-term-relationships-are-created-through-small-words-small-gestures-and-small-acts-150x113.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Successful-long-term-relationships-are-created-through-small-words-small-gestures-and-small-acts-768x576.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 810px) 100vw, 810px\" \/><\/noscript><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Stonewalling\"><\/span>Stonewalling<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The Final Horseman is Stonewalling. Also referred to as \u201cThe Silent Treatment,\u201d Stonewalling is when one or both partners completely withdraws from a conflict. It is marked by evasiveness, unresponsiveness, and an unwillingness to engage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Stonewalling is often the result of the other three Horsemen. It typically happens when partners feel hopeless and emotionally overwhelmed.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Like Defensiveness, Stonewalling can also trigger a physiological response. \u201cWhen one or both partners stonewall, they\u2019re under significant emotional pressure, which releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, increases heart rates and can even trigger a fight-or-flight response,\u201d says&nbsp; Allison Gervais, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist. \u201cWhen this happens, it&#8217;s unlikely one can communicate in a healthy, loving and effective way.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Stonewalling is aptly named. \u201cIt is the process of building a fortress around yourself and not letting your partner in,\u201d says Dr. Ribarsky. \u201cIt most frequently presents as a complete lack of communication or with curt responses. If every answer is the dreaded \u2018Fine,\u2019 there is a good chance this horseman is rearing its ugly head.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Partners tend to fall into a pattern of Stonewalling for one of three reasons:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol><li>They&#8217;re too hurt to communicate;&nbsp;<\/li><li>They fear if they do communicate it will erupt into a nasty conflict;<\/li><li>They know that not communicating is a form of punishment for their partner.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>Unfortunately, not communicating only exacerbates the issues that led to Stonewalling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"The_Antidote_For_Stonewalling\"><\/span>The Antidote For Stonewalling<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The antidote to Stonewalling is to communicate more. However, we need to be mindful about how we communicate, or we will just end up Stonewalling again.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cThe key is to engage in constructive yet honest communication,\u201d says Dr. Ribarsky. \u201cThe first step would be creating a safe space to do this. Lay some ground rules about the communication. For example, no criticism, no name-calling, no shutting down, and we&#8217;ll only talk about the area of conflict for X period of time.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Addressing the issue(s) that led to the Stonewalling is the first step in creating a healthier relationship and breaking down these barriers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It is also wise for couples to set healthy boundaries for when they do end up engaging in conflict.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>One such boundary is for couples to agree when they can both take a \u201ctime-out,\u201d so that an argument does not spiral out of control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cDecide in advance that either partner can call a time-out and agree the disagreement will be interrupted immediately,\u201d says Gervais. \u201cFor this to be effective, it&#8217;s necessary to decide on a specific time to return to the conversation- whether it&#8217;s a half hour or longer- but not days. This will help in two ways- to assure the situation doesn&#8217;t get swept under the rug and to decrease feelings of abandonment.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Once the partners reunite, using positive communication (i.e.. \u2018I\u2019 statements) and giving their partner the benefit of the doubt will help resolve the argument in a healthy way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe class=\"lazyload\" title=\"Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute\" width=\"1170\" height=\"658\" data-src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/1o30Ps-_8is?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<\/div><figcaption>Four Horsemen of Relationships. Courtesy, The Gottman Institute.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Final_Thoughts_on_The_Four_Horsemen_of_Relationships\"><\/span>Final Thoughts on The Four Horsemen of Relationships<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Healthy relationships sit on a foundation of mutual respect for each person&#8217;s perspective,&#8221; Says Hayes, &#8220;and they acknowledge everyone has the right to their own way of doing things and their own priorities.&nbsp;When you start from a place of mutual respect you can begin to have a conversation about what you need and want in the relationship and let your partner know what is important to you and why.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;It is also important to engage in meta-communication, which is communication about the way you talk with one another,\u201d Dr. Ribarsky adds. \u201cWhat works? What doesn&#8217;t? How does your communication make one another feel? And, most importantly, what can you do better in the future? Effective communication is the foundation of our relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you have a complaint that you want to discuss with your partner, take some time to think through the way you are going to present your concerns.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In almost any other situation, we would be mindful of our words, tone, and body language. We take care to interact with co-workers and neighbors in a professional manner, but many of us believe we can say anything we want to our partners and not have to deal with the consequences. But that\u2019s just not true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>How we communicate with our partners matters a great deal. And as our partners should be more important to us than anyone else, they deserve the benefit of thoughtful and compassionate communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That doesn\u2019t mean we should never engage in conflict. But it does mean that there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you and your partner have struggled with the Four Horsemen of Relationships, you can find a Gottman-trained therapist in your area <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/couples\/find-a-therapist\/\" target=\"_blank\" aria-label=\" (opens in a new tab)\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"rank-math-link\">by going here<\/a>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Or, if you prefer to engage in online couples counseling, <a aria-label=\" (opens in a new tab)\" class=\"rank-math-link\" href=\"https:\/\/hasofferstracking.betterhelp.com\/SHiy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener nofollow sponsored\">I recommend you try ReGain<\/a>, which provides couples and marriage counseling at an affordable monthly rate.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/empathi.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Empathi<\/a>\u00a0is also a great choice if you are looking to start couples therapy or marriage counselling. Online therapy sessions can help improve your relationship and overcoming problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Expert_Contributors\"><\/span>Expert Contributors<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>Laura Goldstein, LCMFT is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist in Rockville Maryland and Founder of <a href=\"https:\/\/mccounselingcenter.com\/lauragoldstein\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Montgomery County Counseling Center, LLC<\/a>.<\/li><li>Meagan Prost, LPCC-S, BC-TMH is a Gottman-Trained Couples Therapist and founder of the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.cfhicounseling.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Center for Heart Intelligence<\/a>.<\/li><li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.deardrbeth.com\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Beth Ribarsky, PhD<\/a> is a Communication Professor at the University of Illinois Springfield and a Relationship Expert.<\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marinmentalwellness.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Allison Gervais<\/a>, LMFT is a licensed therapist (LMFT) in San Francisco, CA.<\/li><li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.laurenconsul.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Lauren Consul, LMFT, JD<\/a> is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of <a href=\"http:\/\/www.findingmommy.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Finding Mommy<\/a>.<\/li><li><a href=\"http:\/\/viridiancounseling.com.\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Gretta Duleba, LMFTA<\/a> is a relationship therapist<\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/richinrelationship.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Rich Heller, MSW, CPC, ELI MP<\/a><\/li><li>Jasmine Chen is the Founder of science-backed self, relationship, and leadership development app <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeintelligence.io\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LIFE Intelligence<\/a>.<\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.choosingtherapy.com\/kimberly-panganiban\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Kimberly Panganiban, MA, LMFT<\/a> is a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, Trainer and Consultant.<\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifecoachroundrock.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Angela Hayes, LMFT-A<\/a> is a master certified life coach and marriage and family therapist associate.<\/li><li>Austin Hunter, MA CMHC is a Psychotherapist with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.avalonpsychotherapy.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Avalon Psychotherapy<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.drwyattfisher.com\/pages\/best-marriage-books\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Dr. Wyatt Fisher, PhD<\/a> is a licensed psychologist specializing in marriage counseling in Boulder, CO.<\/li><li>Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and co-founder of <a href=\"http:\/\/www.themarriagerestorationproject.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Marriage Restoration Project<\/a>.<\/li><li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.shannongunniplmhc.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Shannon Gunnip, LMHC, BC-TMH<\/a>, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York State and Rhode Island and a Board Certified Telemental Health Provider.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<section class=\"wp-block-uagb-section uagb-section__wrap uagb-section__background-color uagb-block-540ad93d\"><div class=\"uagb-section__overlay\"><\/div><div class=\"uagb-section__inner-wrap\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-uagb-call-to-action uagb-block-73105e3b wp-block-button\"><div class=\"uagb-cta__wrap\"><h5 class=\"uagb-cta__title\">Private Practice  with No Overhead and No Shortage of Clients.<br><\/h5><p class=\"uagb-cta__desc\">Join\u00a0the more than 34,000 full and part-time therapists who are earning more with BetterHelp! Supplement your income, or build your own practice from scratch. Bonuses &amp; Incentives for High Performers! <strong>Sponsored Advertisement<\/strong><\/p><\/div><div class=\"uagb-cta__buttons\"><a href=\"https:\/\/hasofferstracking.betterhelp.com\/aff_c?offer_id=20&amp;aff_id=1614\" class=\"uagb-cta__button-link-wrapper wp-block-button__link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Join BetterHelp<\/a><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/section>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"References\"><\/span>References<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<ul><li><a href=\"https:\/\/time.com\/5434949\/divorce-rate-children-marriage-benefits\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Divorce Rate Is Dropping. That May Not Actually Be Good News<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, &amp; Stonewalling<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/softening-startup\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/manage-conflict-accepting-influence\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Manage Conflict: Accepting Influence<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.businessinsider.com\/alarming-facts-about-divorce-in-the-us\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Surprising facts about divorce in the US<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/psychcentral.com\/blog\/predicting-divorce-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalpyse\" class=\"rank-math-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Predicting Divorce: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse<\/a><\/li><\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling &#8211; what Dr. John Gottman calls &#8220;The Four Horsemen of Relationships.&#8221; We&#8217;ll talk about what they are and how to avoid them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":37302,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","ub_ctt_via":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"no","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[797],"tags":[810,846,972,867,108,52,809],"featured_image_src":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg","author_info":{"display_name":"Randy Withers, LCMHC","author_link":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/author\/randy-withers\/"},"modified_by":"Randy Withers, LCMHC","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg",800,450,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-150x84.jpg",150,84,true],"medium":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-200x113.jpg",200,113,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-768x432.jpg",768,432,true],"large":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts-400x225.jpg",400,225,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg",800,450,false],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg",800,450,false],"tiny":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg",60,34,false],"thumbnail-medium":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg",480,270,false],"thumbnail-square":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg",480,270,false],"thumbnail-portrait":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg",480,270,false],"thumbnail-large":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/The-Four-Horsemen-How-To-Overcome-Toxic-Communication-Habits-According-To-Experts.jpg",720,405,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Randy Withers, LCMHC","author_link":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/author\/randy-withers\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling - what Dr. John Gottman calls \"The Four Horsemen of Relationships.\" We'll talk about what they are and how to avoid them.","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37291"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=37291"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37291\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/37302"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=37291"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=37291"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=37291"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}