{"id":15665,"date":"2019-12-13T11:07:12","date_gmt":"2019-12-13T16:07:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/?p=15665---9d798335-83f0-47f8-9e4d-d18ec5e3c066"},"modified":"2021-12-12T21:11:16","modified_gmt":"2021-12-13T02:11:16","slug":"lethality-of-major-depression","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/lethality-of-major-depression\/","title":{"rendered":"The Casual Cruelty of Major Depressive Disorder: A True Story"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_65 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-custom ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title \" >Table of Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/lethality-of-major-depression\/#It_Gets_Worse_Before_It_Gets_Better\" title=\"It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better\">It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/lethality-of-major-depression\/#Illicit_Drugs_Only_Made_Things_Worse\" title=\"Illicit Drugs Only Made Things Worse\">Illicit Drugs Only Made Things Worse<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/lethality-of-major-depression\/#Things_That_%E2%80%9CCause%E2%80%9D_Major_Depressive_Disorder\" title=\"Things That &#8220;Cause&#8221; Major Depressive Disorder\">Things That &#8220;Cause&#8221; Major Depressive Disorder<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/lethality-of-major-depression\/#Suicide_Begins_to_Sound_Appealing\" title=\"Suicide Begins to Sound Appealing\">Suicide Begins to Sound Appealing<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/lethality-of-major-depression\/#What_Saved_Me\" title=\"What Saved Me\">What Saved Me<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/lethality-of-major-depression\/#Conclusion\" title=\"Conclusion\">Conclusion<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n\n<p>Sometimes, when I stop to think about it, I cannot believe I am still alive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Those who suffer from major depressive disorder account for 60% of all suicides in the United States. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We don\u2019t talk much about the lethality of mental illness but make no mistake \u2014 it can kill you dead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/the-casual-cruelty-of-major-depressive-disorder.jpg\" alt=\"the casual cruelty of major depressive disorder\" class=\"wp-image-35847 lazyload\" width=\"400\" height=\"600\"\/><noscript><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/the-casual-cruelty-of-major-depressive-disorder.jpg\" alt=\"the casual cruelty of major depressive disorder\" class=\"wp-image-35847 lazyload\" width=\"400\" height=\"600\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/the-casual-cruelty-of-major-depressive-disorder.jpg 1000w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/the-casual-cruelty-of-major-depressive-disorder-83x125.jpg 83w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/the-casual-cruelty-of-major-depressive-disorder-200x300.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/the-casual-cruelty-of-major-depressive-disorder-150x225.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/the-casual-cruelty-of-major-depressive-disorder-768x1152.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/noscript><figcaption>The Casual Cruelty of Major Depressive Disorder: A True Story<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m in one of the highest risk groups there is. I\u2019m white, early 40\u2019s, college-educated, and a gun owner. With a&nbsp;<em>storied&nbsp;<\/em>history of major depression. An Actuary once will told me that the chances that I\u2019d end up killing myself were high.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I came close many times.&nbsp;<a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/what-is-depression\/\"><strong>My depression was severe<\/strong><\/a>, and my social supports limited, and of course there was easy access to a gun. It would have been over in a millisecond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p>Major Depression (major depressive disorder or <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/hard-lessons-about-fighting-depression\/\" title=\"clinical depression\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">clinical depression<\/a>) is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. To be diagnosed with major depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks. <\/p><cite><a href=\"https:\/\/www.nimh.nih.gov\/health\/topics\/depression\/index.shtml\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">National Institute on Mental Health<\/a><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>This kind of thing happens to tens of thousands every year. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In 2017 alone,&nbsp;<a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20201007051704\/https:\/\/afsp.org\/suicide-statistics\/\" target=\"_blank\"><strong>47,000<\/strong><\/a>&nbsp;Americans killed themselves, and most of them looked exactly like me. That number increases every year, by the way. It seems the entire country could benefit from a safety plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Day after day and night after night, my malfunctioning brain tried to sell me the act of <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/suicide-in-the-united-states\/\" title=\"suicide\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">suicide<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thoughts of a world without me, plugging along without a care. Family members and friends looking relieved, even happy. The sky a brighter shade of blue, the birds chirping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It was a convincing pitch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As my life spun more and more out of control, ending it made more and more sense. The marketing for it was intense, and oh how I wanted to buy what my brain was selling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sight unseen. No questions asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It went on for 12 years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Perhaps I\u2019m a coward. Perhaps I was afraid of blowing half my face off but surviving and spending my remaining years deformed and alone. Perhaps it was guilt. Perhaps God still has plans for me. Perhaps he just likes to draw things out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019ll never know the truth, though not for lack of asking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you spend enough time plagued by suicidal ideation, you will learn to hate the&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/dumb-platitudes-in-therapy\/\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><strong>platitudes of well-meaning friends<\/strong><\/a>. God has a plan for you. Everything happens for a reason. Look on the bright side.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I loathe those words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The suicidally depressed don\u2019t think this way. They don\u2019t find comfort in such clumsy words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s what I have come to believe:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>S<em>ome&nbsp;<\/em>things happen for a reason.&nbsp;<em>Some&nbsp;<\/em>things go according to a plan.<\/li><li>But the thing that makes a tragedy tragic is the utter&nbsp;<em>senselessness&nbsp;<\/em>of it. In a real tragedy, there is no lesson to be learned, no growth that occurs.<\/li><li>If you grow from it, was it a tragedy?&nbsp;Or was it just something that didn\u2019t kill you? There\u2019s an ocean of difference between the two.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"It_Gets_Worse_Before_It_Gets_Better\"><\/span>It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>When you are the victim of depression, not only do you feel utterly helpless and abandoned by the world, you also know that very few people can understand, or even begin to believe, that life can be this painful.\u200a<\/em><\/p><cite> <em>\u2014\u200aGiles&nbsp;Andreae<\/em> <\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>In\nNovember of 2008, while Barack Obama was busy being elected President, I was on\nthe third floor of a psychiatric hospital in Florida.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My parents had found me in my bedroom with a loaded gun. That was during the fourth year of my bout with major depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>One of the side effects of major depression is memory loss. And because of that, there are entire years that are gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\nremember that I was married for 10 years. I don\u2019t remember hardly anything\nabout it. A few fleeting memories here and there. When I try to focus on them,\nthey scatter like roaches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They\nsay it protects you from trauma, though it just makes me feel old\u200a\u2014\u200afar older than I am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I don\u2019t remember the hospital either. Slivers of memories here and there. A nurse feeding me. The worry on my mom\u2019s face. A psychiatrist glancing at his notes and then talking to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My wife came to visit a couple of weeks after<a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/divorce-on-thanksgiving\/\"> we had separated.<\/a> She came because my mom had asked her to. I still remember her expression as we sat in the hospital cafeteria. She looked like she had somewhere more important to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I wish\nthe trauma had blotted out that image, but it stays with me 10 years later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Every\nday I struggled to find a good reason to stay alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>By\n2008, I had grown so depressed that I could no longer function, so the prestigious\nboarding school where I worked decided to let me go. That was right when the\neconomy crashed, so finding another job was impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Even if I had found one, I doubt I could have summoned the strength to leave the house.&nbsp;With major depression, everything is like trying to mow your lawn underwater.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My\nwife, by this point, was done. When I could no longer pay the mortgage on our\nbrand-new home, she started looking for one-bedroom apartments. Wedding vows\nare supposed to hold us accountable in times of sickness and in health, but\noften they do not. Nobody wants to stay married to a depressive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>By 2009, I had lost my mind, my career, my home, and my marriage. And that was only year five. I had seven more to go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table is-style-stripes\"><table class=\"has-subtle-pale-blue-background-color has-background\"><thead><tr><th><strong>Major Depressive Disorder: The Facts   <\/strong> <\/th><\/tr><\/thead><tbody><tr><td> The leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15 to 44.<\/td><\/tr><tr><td> Affects 16.1 million American adults, which is almost 7% of the population. <\/td><\/tr><tr><td> Average age of onset is 32.5. <\/td><\/tr><tr><td> Strongly linked to suicidal behaviors and co-occurring <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/myths-about-addiction\/\" title=\"substance abuse\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">substance abuse<\/a> disorders. <\/td><\/tr><tr><td> Affects more women than men.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><tfoot><tr><td>  <strong>Source:&nbsp;<\/strong><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/adaa.org\/about-adaa\/press-room\/facts-statistics\" target=\"_blank\">ADAA<\/a><strong>.<\/strong>  <\/td><\/tr><\/tfoot><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Prolonged unemployment made things far worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Unstructured time is soil for the weed that is major depression. You have nothing to do all day but sit in a black cloud of despair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s\nincredible, too, how quickly friends will abandon you when you\u2019re depressed and\nunemployed and getting divorced.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Movies\nlove to embrace this trope (Will Ferrell in&nbsp;<em>Old School<\/em>, Michael\nDouglas in&nbsp;<em>Falling Down<\/em>), though I no longer have a sense of humor\nabout it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I woke\nup every morning in the grip of a panic attack, trying to convince myself that\nthere was a good reason to stay alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s\nharder than you think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Asking\na severely depressed person to find a reason to live is like asking a terminal\ncancer patient to endure a hundred more rounds of chemo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>At\nsome point, enough is enough. At some point, you are ready for it to all end.\nAt some point, you start to look for ways to make it happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It was during that third year that the <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/therapists-share-their-thoughts-on-suicide\/\" title=\"suicidal ideation\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">suicidal ideation<\/a> started. It would last for another nine years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>That\u2019s the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it.\u200a<\/em><\/p><cite> <em>\u2014\u200aAnderson&nbsp;Cooper<\/em> <\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Illicit_Drugs_Only_Made_Things_Worse\"><\/span>Illicit Drugs Only Made Things Worse<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I was probably depressed my entire life. I know I had suffered from anxiety as far back as kindergarten. My earliest memories were of being afraid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Things came to a head though in February of 2005, when I was <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/how-to-help-an-addict-you-love\/\">outed as a drug addict<\/a> at the school where I worked. Not my finest hour. The school though was sympathetic. For awhile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They\ngave me two choices\u200a\u2014\u200aget clean or get out. I\nflipped a coin and the next day I was in rehab.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\nturns out that I had been self-medicating for years, which, not for nothing, is\nwhy most <a data-wpil=\"url\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/category\/substance-abuse\/\">addicts<\/a> stay in active addiction. Marijuana, benzos, pills\u200a\u2014\u200aanything to dull the\npain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>On the\noutside, I&nbsp;<em>looked&nbsp;<\/em>successful. Senior staff administrator at a prestigious\nmilitary academy. Master\u2019s in education. Published author. A pretty blonde wife\nwho had her MBA. I was popular with my students, and their parents adored me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Inside,\nI was rotting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I did\na masterful job of fooling everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m\nsure that some of my friends saw some of the symptoms of mild depression, but I\nkept the suicidal ideation from everyone, even my wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\npart of my psyche was code-word clearance only. I even minimized it to my\npsychiatrist, for fear he would commit me.&nbsp;I had bills to pay, you see, an\nimportant job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Nobody benefited from my hospitalization, and certainly not me. This is the way you think when you\u2019re battling major depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I was\nskilled at the art of deception. My wife worked evenings at the restaurant she managed,\nso she was unaware of how bad my drug use had become. I used alone, so no\nwitnesses. I dressed conservatively and kept my hair short. My friends never\nhad the slightest suspicion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When I\ngot busted, everyone was shocked. I fooled them all again with my depression,\ntoo. I used humor as a diversion as most clowns do, and I excelled at it.\nNobody suspected a thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I was an expert at self-deception, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I got clean on February 7, 2005. On February 6, 2005, I had no idea I had an actual problem with drugs, and I\u2019d never thought of myself as an addict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Throughout the ten years that I used, I had convinced myself that everyone else on the planet was crazy. I had stumbled upon this incredible way to escape from my problems, and I thought everyone else was a chump for dealing with reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Not me. I had shit figured out. I had a plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Then I got busted by the Head of Security at the Naval Honors School where I worked as a senior-staff administrator. He was a retired homicide detective, and when he questioned me, I broke in thirty seconds. He made me sit in his office while he phoned the headmaster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Eventually, he escorted me to Administration. The headmaster was waiting for me in his office, along with my pretty blonde wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She was glaring, eyes alight with the fire of humiliation. She worked for the school, too, so my problem was a reflection on her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The headmaster agreed not to fire me, as his wife was a psychologist who explained to him that addiction was a disease. I was a high-profile member of the school, too. Firing me would have been bad for business.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Politics saved me in that regard. Private schools are always so concerned about their image.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The following day I went to rehab, my brain foggy from years of use. Ninety days later, I came home, beaming. I had \u201cgraduated\u201d from rehab and picked up my 90-day chip from Narcotics Anonymous. I asked her if she was happy for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She walked into the bedroom and didn\u2019t talk to me again until the following night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My depression started getting worse shortly after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>On Thanksgiving Day, 2005, I experienced the onset of what I can only describe as a&nbsp;<strong><em>massive&nbsp;<\/em><\/strong>nervous breakdown. Eventually, the psychiatrist would qualify it as a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/what-is-depression\/\">Severe Major Depressive Episode<\/a>. But that term doesn\u2019t begin to do it justice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When\nit happened though I didn\u2019t know what it was.&nbsp;It felt like I was drowning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My\nwife and I were at a friend\u2019s home for the holiday. That evening, while we were\ntalking about work, I felt an icy claw grip my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Panic\nstarted coursing up and down my arms and legs like little waves of electricity.\nMy stomach turned. I began to sweat. I couldn\u2019t concentrate, and I felt like my\nbowels would release at any moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\nexcused myself to the bathroom, shut the door, turned off the lights, and\nstarted weeping. It had overwhelmed me with the speed of the stomach flu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>One\nmoment I was eating turkey. The next, I was buried in the throes of depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes with major depression, there is a catalyst. Two weeks before, I had come home from a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with a 9-month chip to mark my clean time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s a big deal in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/lies-about-narcotics-anonymous\/\">Twelve-Step Circles<\/a>. They tell you to stay clean one day at a time, and this was my 270th. I was elated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When I showed my wife my chip, her reaction was the same as it had been six months before. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t have been getting high in the first place,\u201d she told me, then walked out of the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That was what did it for me. That was the straw the broke my back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I knew then that my marriage was over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Two weeks later, the major depression hit, and it didn\u2019t subside for the next&nbsp;<strong>4,380 days.<\/strong>&nbsp;It was a chilly day in November. I had just turned 30.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.<\/em><\/p><cite> <em>\u2014\u200aFriedrich Nietzsche<\/em> <\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Things_That_%E2%80%9CCause%E2%80%9D_Major_Depressive_Disorder\"><\/span>Things That &#8220;Cause&#8221; Major Depressive Disorder<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>There is no single cause for major depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For some,\ndepression is situational.&nbsp;You\u2019re in a bad relationship or working at a\njob you hate. For others, it is environmental. You live in public housing, or\nyour home is filthy, or you have no friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Still,\nothers are consumed with trauma. Sometimes, it\u2019s a medical reason, like\nhyperthyroidism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For\nmany, it\u2019s a chemical imbalance in the brain. Often, a negative core belief is\nthe culprit\u200a\u2014\u200aI am worthless, or God\nhates me, or I am unlovable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Often, it\u2018s a combination. I know it was for me. Years of drug use had compromised my cognitive functioning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I had\nwoken up one morning only to realize that my marriage was doomed. I figured it\nwas also a matter of time before my career imploded as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I felt\nisolated and misunderstood. My self-esteem was gone. And of course, the\nSerotonin and Norepinephrine levels in my brain were dangerously low.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It was\nthe third and fourth year that was the worst for me. I still can\u2019t believe I\nsurvived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes\nI wish I had gone through with it. When you fail so spectacularly at life the\nway I had, maybe the only honorable thing to do is end it all. That was one of\nthe thoughts that plagued me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>By\n2009, my career was in ruins, my house was in foreclosure, my finances were\nbankrupt, my friends had abandoned me, my wife had divorced me, and my dog had\ndied. I was 34 years old and living in my parent\u2019s spare bedroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Be honest\u200a\u2014\u200aif you were dealing with all that, would you think about killing yourself, too? Of&nbsp;<em>course&nbsp;<\/em>you would.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>Killing yourself is a major commitment, it takes a kind of courage. Most people just lead lives of cowardly desperation. It\u2019s kinda half suicide where you just dull yourself with substances.<\/em><\/p><cite> <em>\u200a\u2014\u200aRobert&nbsp;Crumb<\/em> <\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>My\ndog\u2019s death hurt most of all. Kadee was an anxious and high-strung Pit-Boxer,\nbut she was trustworthy and reliable and an excellent judge of character.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My wife and I had lived in the girl\u2019s dorm at the school for many years, and Kadee was a&nbsp;<em>de facto<\/em>&nbsp;parent to about 22 teens. At some point during that period, she developed the liver disease that would eventually kill her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kadee kept me alive <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/people-who-are-broken\/\">during the worst part of my depression<\/a>. It was after I had lost my job but before I had lost my house. I would wake up every day in this home that my wife and I had just purchased and be reminded every second of every hour of every day that I was going to lose it. And I knew what that meant, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If a\nman can\u2019t keep a house, he doesn\u2019t deserve to keep a wife. That\u2019s just common\nsense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Major depression is so much more than feeling sad. If passion is the color that paints your life, depression is the bleach that chokes it out of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Severe\ndepression is a study in contrasts. You have insomnia when all you want to do\nis sleep. You starve when all you want is to eat. You are worthless and\ninsignificant, yet the entire world wants to see you dead. You care about\nnothing and everything. You feel panic and resignation in the same breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Every\nmorning I awoke in hell, and at night I would stay awake for hours because\nsleep was a respite that you don\u2019t get when you\u2019re severely depressed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Minutes\nstretched to hours in what seemed like slow motion. I would count the time to\nmy next cigarette break because for those few moments I would distract myself\nfrom the torture. That was years three and four.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019d\ntake Kadee out to pee, and I\u2019d sit on the deck in our backyard and think of\nways to die.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes\nI\u2019d bring my pistol and set it beside me, on the off-chance I worked up the\ncourage to pull the trigger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kadee\nalways seemed to realize something was wrong. She\u2019d watch me from the yard as\nshe sniffed around. I would avoid her gaze, thinking instead about bullet\nvelocity and blood spatter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Every\nday I would convince myself of two things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>First,\nif I did kill myself, no one would be around to walk Kadee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Second,\nif I did shoot myself, the last thing I wanted was for my wife to come home and\nfind Kadee licking my blood off the wall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Welcome\nto my brain, everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kadee, meanwhile, had one more year to live. I didn\u2019t know it at the time, but her liver was slowly killing her. Had I been able to work, I might have been able to take her to the vet, and maybe they could have saved her. Instead, I woke up every day to thoughts of suicide while my dog slowly rotted from the inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Suicide_Begins_to_Sound_Appealing\"><\/span>Suicide Begins to Sound Appealing<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.\u200a<\/em><\/p><cite> <em>\u2014\u200aFran&nbsp;Lebowitz<\/em> <\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>The thing you have to understand about suicidal ideation is that it becomes an obsession. You can\u2019t stop thinking about it, even though you desperately want to. I was having suicidal thoughts two or three hundred times a day for more than 18 months. Do the math on that. Assume 250 times a day over 18 months. That is 136,875 times my brain entertained the thought of suicide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>After\na while, you get used to it. After a while, you start to forget what it was\nlike to not have them. After a while, you start to listen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So, does a person with suicidal ideation and major depression become obsessed with killing themselves? Not exactly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Imagine\nyou\u2019re a passenger on a plane. Turbulence is knocking you around. Outside,\nlightning pierces the darkness and rain distorts your view. You have this\nterrible fear that the plane is going to fall out of the sky and crash, killing\neveryone on board.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Usually,\nyou\u2019re not a fearful person, but everything about the situation you\u2019re in\nsuggests to you that it is just a matter of time before you plummet thousands\nof feet to a fiery death. The last thing you want is for the plane to crash, but\nyou can\u2019t get that idea out of your head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\nis suicidal ideation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I ended up in the hospital at the end of the fourth year, because I couldn\u2019t stop thinking about killing myself and I had absolutely no reason to live. By that point, I had convinced myself that everyone would be better off if I were gone\u200a\u2014\u200a<a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/divorce-on-thanksgiving\/\">my soon to be ex-wife<\/a> for sure, but also my parents, my friends, even my dog. I figured someone would adopt her after I died and give her better care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>These\nare the types of things you think about when you can\u2019t stop thinking about ways\nto die.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Bankrupt,\ndivorced, unemployed, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/benefits-of-hypnotherapy\/\">mentally and physically<\/a> ill; it was no wonder my thoughts\nturned to suicide. The wonder is I never went through with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It would have been fairly easy, too. It is one of life\u2019s twisted ironies that some of the most devastating things we can do to ourselves often require only the most cursory efforts on our part. Consider the ease of swallowing a pill, or of pulling a trigger. Barely any effort at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What_Saved_Me\"><\/span>What Saved Me<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>We need to change the culture of this topic and make it OK to speak about <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" data-wpil=\"url\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/category\/mental-health\/\" title=\"mental health\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">mental health<\/a> and suicide.<\/em><\/p><cite> <em>\u2014\u200aLuke Richardson<\/em> <\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>By late 2010 I was working again, this time at a juvenile detention center in the town of Hastings, Florida, which is exactly as small as you think it is. A few months before, while attending group <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" data-wpil=\"url\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/category\/therapy\/\" title=\"therapy\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">therapy<\/a> sessions at a hospital in Jacksonville, I met a counselor who saved my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For the first time in my life, a professional explained what major depression was, and more importantly, how to cope with it. That man saved my life, and I don\u2019t even remember his name. He literally inspired me to go back to school and I can barely picture his face. I sure hope he\u2019s doing well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>2010\nwas a busy year. My marriage officially ended in divorce in March, I declared\nbankruptcy in May, I started working again in October, and my dog died in\nDecember.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Not\nsurprisingly, the depression never really went away, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This\nnightmare droned on for six more years. But I was working again, and at the end\nof 2011 I relocated to North Carolina and went back to school. Three years\nlater, I had finished my masters in <a class=\"wpil_keyword_link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/how-to-get-results-in-therapy\/\" title=\"counseling\" data-wpil-keyword-link=\"linked\">counseling<\/a>, and gotten engaged to my\nchildhood best friend. Life ended up being pretty spectacular.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But that last part is lie. I mean, you know that don&#8217;t you? <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/what-is-major-depression\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\">Depression <\/a>never really goes away. You just learn to manage it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The\ntruth is, this shit went on for six more years. During that time I had earned a\nmasters in counseling, gotten engaged, and earned two professional counseling\nlicenses. I\u2019m still practicing. All is well on that front.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But major depression cost me a fianc\u00e9, it drove more friends and family away, and it cost me thousands of dollars trying to treat it. I wish I could tell you that some sort of <em>deus ex machina<\/em> event happened, that I found Jesus or something and everything got better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s\nnot what happened, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What\nhappened was the kind of thing that happens when you\u2019re brain stops working\nright. I had times when I was okay, and times when I wanted to shoot myself in\nthe head. Eventually, after <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/category\/therapy\/\">therapy<\/a> and medication and 12-Steps and everything\nelse you can imagine, I ended up getting ECT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s what ended up saving me. Six sessions of ECT at the Wake Forest Baptist Hospital in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Conclusion\"><\/span>Conclusion<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I hope\nyou weren\u2019t waiting for some story about how something miraculous happened at\nthe eleventh hour and boy did I ended up learning a lot from the experience.\nThat\u2019s not what happened at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In truth, major depression tortured me for years and in the process ended up killing me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I look in the mirror these days and I see a man who simply does not look like the one who started this journey twelve years prior. I\u2019m so tired, people. I\u2019m just so, so tired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m not depressed anymore. I haven\u2019t been for about 36 months now. I\u2019ve had an issue with anger that is working itself out, but that shouldn\u2019t be surprising. You\u2019d be angry too if you had just survived a twelve-year-long battle with major depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Perhaps\nyou will read this and see something about my experience that I don\u2019t. Maybe\nyou\u2019ll think I\u2019m a better person because of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m\nnot sure I\u2019m ready to accept that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It actually took me more than a year to write this essay. More than a year after that to publish it. The reason it took so long was that every time I opened the document, it felt like I was returning to the scene of a crime. Like I had been violated by something, and yet here I am, volunteering night after night to spend time with my attacker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I will\nsay that I\u2019m happy with my life now, though that\u2019s a recent development. I keep\nwaiting for the other shoe to drop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\nstruggle with depression, my only piece of advice to you comes from a legend I\nonce heard about Winston Churchill. After World War 2 ended, he was asked to\nspeak at a graduation, and instead of delivering a speech, all he did was pound\nhis fist on the podium and shout to those in attendance: \u201cNever give up. Never\nnever never never never never never never never give up.\u201d&nbsp;And then he\nsupposedly sat down to thunderous applause.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So my\nadvice is this: don\u2019t give up, but don\u2019t be foolish enough to think that some\nmagical pill exists that will solve all of your problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Recovery is an action word, and to do it well takes perseverance, tenacity, and a willingness to overcome it. It\u2019s hardly an easy task, too. People die from major depression\u200a\u2014\u200atens of thousands of them, every year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Find something that works for you. If you see a therapist and it doesn\u2019t work out, find another one. If that one doesn\u2019t work, go for number three. Go to the gym. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/setting-goals-in-star-wars\/\" class=\"rank-math-link\">Set goals<\/a>. Try a different routine. See a doctor. Get on meds if that\u2019s the right thing to do. This is your life we\u2019re talking about here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Just don\u2019t give up. That\u2019s what major depression wants you to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<section class=\"wp-block-uagb-section uagb-section__wrap uagb-section__background-color uagb-block-540ad93d\"><div class=\"uagb-section__overlay\"><\/div><div class=\"uagb-section__inner-wrap\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-uagb-call-to-action uagb-block-73105e3b wp-block-button\"><div class=\"uagb-cta__wrap\"><h5 class=\"uagb-cta__title\">Private Practice  with No Overhead and No Shortage of Clients.<br><\/h5><p class=\"uagb-cta__desc\">Join\u00a0the more than 34,000 full and part-time therapists who are earning more with BetterHelp! Supplement your income, or build your own practice from scratch. Bonuses &amp; Incentives for High Performers! <strong>Sponsored Advertisement<\/strong><\/p><\/div><div class=\"uagb-cta__buttons\"><a href=\"https:\/\/hasofferstracking.betterhelp.com\/aff_c?offer_id=20&amp;aff_id=1614\" class=\"uagb-cta__button-link-wrapper wp-block-button__link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Join BetterHelp<\/a><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/section>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Plagued by intrusive thoughts of suicide, my brain seemed determined to kill me. This is my story.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":31176,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","ub_ctt_via":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"no","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[760,28,779,799],"featured_image_src":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83.jpg","author_info":{"display_name":"Randy Withers, LCMHC","author_link":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/author\/randy-withers\/"},"modified_by":"Randy Withers, LCMHC","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83.jpg",1600,900,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83-150x84.jpg",150,84,true],"medium":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83-200x113.jpg",200,113,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83-768x432.jpg",768,432,true],"large":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83-400x225.jpg",400,225,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83-1536x864.jpg",1536,864,true],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83.jpg",1600,900,false],"tiny":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83.jpg",60,34,false],"thumbnail-medium":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83.jpg",480,270,false],"thumbnail-square":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83.jpg",480,270,false],"thumbnail-portrait":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83.jpg",480,270,false],"thumbnail-large":["https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/83.jpg",720,405,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Randy Withers, LCMHC","author_link":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/author\/randy-withers\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Plagued by intrusive thoughts of suicide, my brain seemed determined to kill me. This is my story.","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15665"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15665"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15665\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/31176"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15665"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15665"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blunt-therapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15665"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}